Redneck in a Coffee Shop

I tale u wut, the next time I got into a coffee shop it ain’t gonna make me feel like I’m walken into one of dem science labs.

Last week I took a trip to Los Angeles, living the real life version of the Beverly Hillbillies. My cuz Kalie, sum sorta “fashion blogger,” took me to a fancy shmancy coffee shop in a city she called, “Wee-hoe.” And let me tell ya folks, your ol’ pal Buccaneer Bessie stuck out like a groundhog in February.

Anywho, I walk in there and I am surrounded by people with sunglasses on indoors and people holdin tiny dogs. And hey, them dogs had sunglasses on too!

Well, I walk up to them counter and I just ask the berista for some coffee. Then he asked, “What is your preferred brew method?” I’m sorry, wut? Brew method? What in the sam hell does that mean? Well I’ll tail yew folks, apparently, there is more than one way to make coffee without a coffee pot. Who woulda thought that?

Let me give you the breakdown. The first way they make coffee is in this glass tube thing called a “Chemex”. I didn’t say anything to ‘em but I swear it looks like something my old man would have used as a spittoon. Next, there is a thing called a V60. Why do they call it a V60 you ask? Lord, I don’t know. After that run through and my cousin gettin embarrassed by how long I’m taking to order, I went with the V60 thing. Between you and me, I was gettin tired over all the coffee chatter anyway. That information was flying over my head like horseshoe thrown by a football player.
After all of that, Kalie and I sat down in chairs that I swear I have seen in a science class. This is a coffee shop for crying out loud, not Biology 101 with Mr. Roberts. Boy do I have stories for y’all about that class. Anywho, after waiting for a while, our names are finally called to get our coffee. When Kalie was walking back to our table, the girl looked like she was walking on pins-n-needles. I said to her, “Hey, watcha walking funny for?” Turns out she was trying to make sure she didn’t spill her latte because it apparently had art on it. What I mean by this is that they made the milk look all fancy like with this design. It was cool and all but for crying out loud, this is coffee. It’s not like this is a thing showing in a museum, no need for art with milk. I’m sure artists have enough weird things to make pieces with already.

After all of this, Kalie spends the next five minutes taking pictures of our coffee. I mean for goodness sakes woman, people don’t get their pictures from Walmart and show their friends what they had for dinner last week. Once the photoshoot was over, I take my first sip of this coffee. After all of those speeches, it was alrite. If anything it made me miss my old coffee maker back at home that will still spit out grounds in the first few cups. I guess I give this whole place a six out of ten. Three points for coffee and three points for the stylish dog I saw when I first walked in. Pooch looked more dressed up than me.